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Toy: Lotus Blossom Pocket Pal
Reviewer: Rieekan
Manufacturer: California Exotic Novelties
Categories:Vaginas / MouthsVibrating
Overall rating:
  Lotus Blossom Pocket PalBuy a Lotus Blossom Pocket Pal

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LOTUS BLOSSOM REVIEW – Part #2 - see part 1
* DIRECTOR: D.I.Y. (Direct-It-Yourself)
* PRODUCER: California Exotic Novelties & Swedish Erotica (vibrating bullet)
* PRODUCTION DATE: 18 June 2001
* DURATION: »30mins
* FEMMES: Alisha Klass & Shanna McCullough (courtesy of Seymore Butts Meets The Tushy Girls)
* SUMMARY: I stand by my earlier comments.

Welcome to Rieekan Sex Toy Review #1, Part Deux.

We sit in the uncomfortable aftermath, silently staring at each other. I shift awkwardly. She looks at me sullenly.
I clear my throat nervously.
“Look … I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
She is stunned. I wait for her to start throwing heavy objects at me. Then I remember she is a rubber vagina. I stare back at her somewhat more confidently, though I tremble when I recall the agony she is capable of inflicting.
“Is it the pointed teeth? My designers thought it’d be a hilarious joke to play on unsuspecting customers.”
“No, it’s not the teeth. It’s not you. It’s me. I was just expecting something different. I really did want a relationship with a Vibrating Tight Silki-Soft™ Pussy with Intact Hymen, Textural Sleeve and Vibrating Bullet … But I should have spent more on you. AUD$39.95 (»US$20) didn’t do either of us any justice.”
She is contemplative for a moment. As contemplative as a rubber vagina can be …
“I understand.”
I nod gratefully, gather up her bright pink components, re-salvage my two AA batteries and replace her in her packaging. The pretty Asian model on the box winks at me one last time, then I put her in the cupboard and close the door. Light must never be shed on this dark day ever again.

You might recall from the first part of this review, the minor debacle that started out with me looking for a laugh and now ending with me on the verge of tears (and not from laughing too hard). I want any readers out there to appreciate exactly how hard I toil for them and the excruciating details of the tragedy that befell me. In the name of consumer interest and protection, I paid the ultimate price and I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.

I believed I had identified the problem earlier, which was mainly the poorly shaped and incredibly tight and uncomfortable opening. The opening was just far too problematic for any real sliding motion and you faced a devil of a time in the tube part, with its rubber stalactites that I will now more correctly refer to as ‘fangs’. The tube and the main part virtually fell apart after the first time I used the Lotus Blossom, so I finished the job (tore the tube off that is) and decided to try it by itself.

The good news is I was kind of right. It’s a hell of a lot easier to get into the tube part by itself and you can get some sort of motion going. The bad news is that that doesn’t change the tube itself. There is still the critical problem of the fangs shredding a fairly important and sensitive area of the body. I just don’t understand what could possibly have been going through the designers’ mind, other than a rush of wickedly malicious delight. Good to know someone got pleasure out of this.

Pity it wasn’t me. While Alisha was riding the Marc Davis express, she prayed vociferously to at least seven different gods (I counted ‘em). But I couldn’t hear her over myself. I was praying even more loudly, pleading for any all-powerful beings (Janet Reno maybe) to make the pain stop. Sadly, divine intervention couldn’t save me. I tried for about 10 minutes on and off, but the agony was insurmountable.

The vibrating bullet was a nice touch but wouldn’t get you anywhere close to orgasm, and it created a juggling act with hands, cords, shuddering egg-shaped objects and bright pink rubber in all directions. The sensation was, simply put, extraordinarily painful. If you had half the nerves I do, you could maybe get away with discomfort, but I was invoking Portuguese swearwords (which is funny because I don’t know any) within moments.

After trying for as long as I could stand the torture (constantly reminding myself of the deserving readers out there), I tore the Lotus Blossom off and sobbed with relief. My neglected twin girlfriends, Lefty and Righty, went to work like skilled ER surgeons but the story doesn’t end there. Remember the “thoroughly bitter and desensitised member” I warned you about in the first part? You probably thought I was joking.

The first thing I immediately noticed after pulling off the Lotus Blossom was how much my penis had shrunk inside it. Secondly, it was super-sensitive, as if unable to understand how pleasure existed in the universe. I had five great minutes before the third note. Thirdly, it rapidly lost all sensitivity and enjoyment, overwhelmed as it was in the wake of the Lotus Blossom.

I fear I may have done permanent damage.

Could a fanged rubber tube spell the end of my reviewing career? We’ll find out as I slowly recover over the next few days. But the Lotus Blossom is going in the cupboard and isn’t coming back. $40 buys you all these wonderful memories and must go a certain distance to therefore proving that money, and the Lotus Blossom, are the root of all evil.

½ a star for teaching me a lesson. Thanks California Exotics, I appreciate the education.


Next Rieekan Sex Toy Review: Nah, I learned my lesson!

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