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Toy: Lotus Blossom Pocket Pal
Reviewer: Rieekan
Manufacturer: California Exotic Novelties
Categories:Vaginas / MouthsVibrating
Overall rating:
  Lotus Blossom Pocket PalBuy a Lotus Blossom Pocket Pal

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* DIRECTOR: D.I.Y. (Direct-It-Yourself)
* PRODUCER: California Exotic Novelties & Swedish Erotica (vibrating bullet)
* PRODUCTION DATE: 15 June 2001
* DURATION: »60mins
* FEMMES: Shayla LaVeaux & Tabitha Stevens (courtesy of Sleaze)
* SUMMARY: If you’re sadomasochistic or want to simulate receiving a blowjob from a two-bit hooker with the teeth of an armadillo, I recommend the Lotus Blossom.

Welcome to Rieekan Sex Toy Review #1. The Lotus Blossom™ Vibrating Tight Silki-Soft™ Pussy with Intact Hymen, Textural Sleeve & Vibrating Bullet cost AUD$39.95 (»US$20) from Aussie Sex Shop. Despite the superfluously promising name, my expectations weren’t high – I bought it out of curiosity and for gag factor. I’m just too easily amused.

However in this case, I’m not that easily amused.

The Lotus Blossom arrived in a small, partially crushed box (good ol’ Auspost) slightly larger than your average bible. It has a picture of a nice Asian model who looked like Tera Patrick on it, but as far as pleasant sexual experiences go, that picture’s going to be of more use to you than the Lotus Blossom itself. Like all good things made in China (packaged in the USA), there’s no instruction manual and the box only covers the critical concerns (e.g. “Do not use with other sexual partners or while operating heavy machinery”).

My initial reaction was dubiousness. The Lotus Blossom is made out of rubber, which seems more suitable than plastic, and is a bright pink all over. It pops out of the box ready to go, no more complex than male genitalia. You immediately notice its shape, size and smell. The Lotus Blossom is pretty conspicuous but you could almost pass it off as a coin bank due to its rectangular opening (not that you’ll be depositing coins). It reeks of rubber and is initially greasy. I had to spray it with air freshener.

I was also concerned about its size. It’s not actually that big (just over 6’ long) but there’s something about the bright pink colour and its width that makes it seem huge. I initially doubted anyone that hung would need a fake vagina. Once you find 2 AA batteries for the vibrating bullet (salvaging them from a remote control is recommended) you’re halfway there.

After lubing up, I broke the hymen without noticing, and tried to get in with Tabitha cheering me on (ok, she didn’t specifically mention me by name …) The opening was unbelievably tight and there were many problems. Rubber’s not flexible, it doesn’t lubricate well, it’s not particularly tough and it dries very quickly. The only good thing about it is that it doesn’t feel too bad when stationary. But after an hour of wrestling with the Lotus Blossom, I gave up.

I did get in all the way, after much struggling, and found that the Lotus Blossom was not very large at all and reasonably tight. There were ‘rubber stalactites’ on the inside. But having made it that far, I faced a twofold problem. Firstly, if you plan to get back in on the reciprocal end of your stroke you better have a lot of spare time, because it’s going to take just as long as it took you in the first place. Secondly, you’re going to wonder why on earth you’re doing it, because the Lotus Blossom is just painful.

There’s simply no other way to put it. If vaginas felt like this, the Earth would be a very quiet place and there’d be a hell of a lot more foot fetishists (although it may go to explaining the recent proliferation of anal sex in porn …) It’s difficult to describe. In fact, I can’t do justice to the feeling. I will just say that the Lotus Blossom could be the cure for premature ejaculation. You could train yourself to hold off indefinitely, although at the cost of a thoroughly bitter and desensitised member.

The problem was mainly with trying to get through the dry rubber opening and then having a prickly time once you were inside. During the first 30 minutes or so, I noticed that the rubber was beginning to tear and the ‘tube’ part tore loose from the main part in the aftermath. That didn’t particularly impress me. I gave up after roughly an hour. Apparently there’s no beating the old five-finger method.

But the saga doesn’t end there. I bought the Lotus Blossom for a laugh and I stupidly refuse to believe the joke is on me. I’m going to try it one more time using only the tube part (which does very much defeat the purpose I know) and see if that achieves anything at all. It’ll probably only achieve an even more sarcastic review in part two.

The Lotus Blossom gets ½ a star for prolonging orgasm (it’s an instant downer) and ½ a star for the vibrating bullet, which I find funny but have no use for. I’m tempted to give something for the picture of the model but then I remember exactly what she led me to …

* FINAL WORD: Why oh why didn’t I buy the Fleshlight? Oh yeah, it was $60 more …

See Part 2

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